From Heated Arguments To Heartfelt Conversations
The Simple Behavior Shift That Will Transform Any Relationship
Earlier this week my husband and I got into a fight. The pump to our pool stopped working and we debated over the best way to handle it. As our opposing opinions filled up the room the air got heavier and I had to escape. I told my husband that I didn’t want to speak anymore and left him in our kitchen alone. He followed me to our room and said that we had to resolve this. But I couldn’t. I told him I needed space. And then he left.
The next morning we did something different. We didn’t talk about who was right or who was wrong - instead we told each other what was happening in our bodies. As a therapist and husband of a therapist, we know that the feelings we have in our minds are indicative of the feelings we have in our bodies. When we feel heightened our hearts race, we sweat, adrenaline gets released, and we shake. There is no escaping this phenomenon. Only awareness and good coping skills can help.
We sat opposite one another and talked about the coping skills we each use to make it through those moments. Ever since I was a child I’ve used blankets. When I get under a blanket, my body feels protected and the warmth helps with regulation. My husband uses his voice. Talking is a release of the rush.
Despite the individual effectiveness of our coping skills - they happen to be just about the most incompatible ways of dealing with stress in a relationship.
I feel for my clients when they get trapped in this cycle. They get stuck in their stress responses and fight for hours. When they do “make up,” it’s because they dropped the issue all together or resolved it with a solution for the problem (i.e., the pool pump.) But there’s another way to fix this issue - a better way.
Get to know your body, and your partners body.
Learn how you cope when you start to feel emotionally flooded. Then communicate your feelings and a solution to your partner, the moment you recognize what’s happening.
Next time, I will tell my husband “I’m feeling a lot of anxiety and need to go upstairs to cope.” He can tell me, “I’m feeling a lot of anxiety, I need to go somewhere else to cope.” He can write, or talk aloud to himself. I can cover myself up and sleep. Then when we have soothed ourselves, we can check back into the conversation.
When you have empathy for the way your partner copes with their feelings instead of resenting their approach, you will have a greater chance of connection.
If their way of coping doesn’t work for you, perhaps there is a compromise you can both work toward somewhere.
Our morning conversation lasted 10 minutes. It was nothing compared to what it could have been. When my clients use this strategy, their relationships always improve. They understand one another more. They feel safer to be vulnerable. They feel confident that they can navigate a disagreement, and their doubts go away.